If I left, how far inland would I have to drive to be safe? How hard would it be to find a motel that would take in my cat and I? How would my cat act all that time in the car? She gets very unhappy in just the five-mile drive to the vet.
The ordinance was written by and for the entrenched interests of downtown property owners, seeking to preserve their dominance in the short-term rental market, and hoteliers seeking to limit the growth of new, competing supply in a market where they are already concerned with over-building.
You can find me in the cafeteria, I said. Ill be eating Swedish meatballs and reading something Nordic, because if I can get through the rest of my life without ever buying anything at IKEA, Ill be pleased. I like what I see at other peoples homes, but not enough to decipher the predictably cryptic instructions -- let alone hunt out the old Allen wrench to assemble the stuff.
We were heading for Atlanta. The sliver of wood (a foreign body, said the podiatrist, but not necessarily Italian) that accompanied me to England was out of my foot and we were ready to play tourist, which meant a visit to IKEA to buy all the things you never knew you needed, the Flying Biscuit cafe for its creamy grits, the Farmers Market and possibly the Georgia Aquarium, billed as the largest in the world.
But first we had to find the Marsha Wood art gallery in Atlantas new Castleberry Hill Art District, among dozens of other galleries near downtown in an area of old vacant warehouses and factories. Were Marcus Kenney fans and when Marcus, who lives and works in Savannah, has an opening within driving distance, we follow because we like to tell everyone who asks we knew him back when.
Like his art complex, nostalgic and occasionally disturbing collages culled from childrens book illustrations, vintage lithographs, coloring books, vintage paint-by-number images, personal papers, original typed sermons, canceled checks, Green Stamps, light bulbs, cigarette papers, vintage wallpaper and science book cutouts Marcus and his choice of dress-up clothes are also vintage, also original.
For the opening, he chose a close-fitted 1940s suit, a florid Maxfield Parrish tie, and a black, broad-brimmed hat, Amish-style. The show Happily Ever After is quintessential Marcus.
But come Saturday morning when we awoke to frost, I dreaded the worst. If we couldnt get into the Aquarium - which looked doubtful - wed get lost on one of the Peachtree streets, lose our car in a parking lot, and Id have to go to IKEA.
We thought about buying tickets ahead to the Aquarium, but after hopping on someones unsecured wireless network in the well-wired neighborhood and reading that only yearly members could make reservations, we gave up the thought.
Lets just drive by so at least we can get a visual, I said. Consensus. Plenty of time after that for IKEA.
We headed towards Olympic Centennial Park, the CNN center, Philips Arena, the Georgia Dome. Then, pulling onto Luckie Street - a good sign, I thought - we saw a corner of the new facility and the ornate G of the Georgia Aquarium, artfully scripted into the shape of a fish.
With sundry lines snaking this way and that, we couldnt tell how crowded it was. Lets try, I said. Hey, were on Luckie Street, arent we?
After circumnavigating the ropes, reading the signs no guns, no lighters, no matches, no knives hearing the guards bark, Arms up, and watching them run the wand up and down everyone who entered as if we were in an airport, and putting $21 on the old credit card - ka-ching, ka-ching - we got in.
Praise the Lord. Praise Home Depots Bernie Marcus and his millions.
I was psyched. Using foresight, the staff only admits a certain number of people per hour so it really was possible to get up-close-and personal with the sea nettles, moon jellies, sawfish, stingray, leafy sea dragon, fur-covered sea otters, sea lions, several whale sharks, African penguin and my personal favorite, the Casper-the-ghostlike Beluga whale, surely the most limber, carefree, amusing creature on earth.
There were crowds but it wasnt overwhelming, even on a Saturday. Even the lines at the restaurant - no fish sticks or fish sandwiches, by the way, and for some reason, no straws (they might hurt the fish) - moved efficiently.
Nearly three hours later we emerged, found the car, visited SCADs Savannah Gallery in Buckhead, got a cup of coffee, passed Robert Mitchums graffiti mug for the fourth time driving under an overpass, headed for an early performance of David Sedaris sardonic and hilarious The Santaland Diaries at the Horizon Theatre.
We even managed to put the appropriate distance between us and what we saw at the aquarium to eat some grouper at Six Feet Under, a restaurant situated across from Oakland Cemetery.
Darn. A whole weekend in Atlanta and no time for IKEA. Maybe next time. Maybe not.