If Dr. Seuss was rolling in his grave upon the release of The Cat In the Hat, then everyone who ever had anything to do with Universal Pictures classic monster movies must be doing likewise. Of course, you dont have to be a fan of such cinematic staples as Frankenstein, Dracula and The Wolf Man to take offense at this abomination: Admirers of skillful direction, intelligent writing and impeccable performances will also be feeling the pain. But never mind comparisons to the cinematic classics: Watching this film, you begin to wonder if anybody involved has ever actually held a book in their hands, let alone read one. Here, the text of Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley is treated as nothing more than toilet paper in the outhouse of writer-director Stephen Sommers imagination, soiled and shredded beyond all recognition. Van Helsing, a movie whose contempt for its predecessors is only matched by its condescension toward its audience, almost exclusively draws from modern touchstones of pop culture: Its Indiana Jones and James Bond and Star Wars and Alien and X-Men and so on, all presented as an endless video game with no human dimension but plenty of cheesy CGI effects. As Van Helsing, Hugh Jackman has been stripped of all charisma, while Richard Roxburgh arguably delivers the worst performance as Dracula in film history.
Simply put, Envy is a steaming pile of celluloid crap. The excrement reference is appropriate, since the plot concerns itself with a loudmouth named Nick (Jack Black) who invents the Vapoorizer, a spray that magically makes dog doo disappear into thin air. His creation turns him into a millionaire, a development that vexes his best friend Tim (Ben Stiller) since the latter had passed on the opportunity to invest in this venture when it was still in the planning stages. It really says something when a movie manages to snag the services of both Ben Stiller and Jack Black and then squanders their considerable talents by forcing them to play unlikable characters who come across as irritating rather than amusing.
MEAN GIRLS ***
Like Heathers and Clueless, Mean Girls turns out to be that rare teen comedy that refuses to be pigeonholed as merely a teen comedy. Even more remarkably, it also turns out to be that rare Saturday Night Live-sanctioned comedy thats actually funny. SNL guru Lorne Michaels is prominently plugged as the films producer, yet clearly the guiding light behind this project is Tina Fey. The TV shows Weekend Update co-host elected to bring Rosalind Wisemans best-selling Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence to the screen, along the way turning a nonfiction book into a fictional screenplay spiced up with her own pithy, piercing observations. Lindsay Lohan stars as a naive teen who makes her public school debut after a lifetime of home-schooling. A cultural and social blank slate, she finds herself being befriended by both the outcasts and the bitch goddesses.
Almost every citizen in the titular town, a Rocky Mountain community during the Great Depression, can between them cover the gamut of the Boy Scout decree: trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, and so forth. But when they come together as a mob when their actions are ruled by conformity rather than individual thought they reveal themselves as petty, contemptuous creatures. Into this village marches Grace (Nicole Kidman, in a strong performance that goes with the flow), a mysterious woman on the run. Viewing this stranger as an opportunity to put his theories about morality into action, the towns philosopher, a struggling writer named Tom Edison Jr. (Paul Bettany), talks his neighbors into allowing Grace to remain. Dogville is irrevocably a movie of our times, a period during which substantial groups gather to burn Dixie Chicks CDs, overwhelming numbers make political decisions based on soundbites of misinformation, and suspicions of outsiders have rendered many Americans as fearful as a 5-year-old terrified of the Boogeyman under his bed.
LAWS OF ATTRACTION**
The 1950 comedy Adams Rib cast Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn as husband-and-wife lawyers who end up on opposite sides of a major case; Laws of Attraction clearly hopes to be its modern-day equivalent, but its so inconsequential that it wouldnt even cut it as Adams Hangnail. Thats a shame, because the star pairing of Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore promises much more than this movie actually delivers. Moore stars as a hotshot New York divorce lawyer who meets her match in a fellow attorney (Brosnan) who has recently relocated from the West Coast.
MAN ON FIRE*1/2
A remake of a forgotten 1987 flick starring Scott Glenn; that version barely ran 90 minutes, and its a sign of director Tony Scotts arrogance that this interminable revamping clocks in at 140 minutes. The movie starts off OK, with Denzel Washington effectively cast as a former government assassin whose constant boozing is interrupted once he agrees to serve as the bodyguard for an American girl (Dakota Fanning) living with her parents in Mexico City. Scotts meaningless stylistics grate on the nerves, but the strong work by Washington and Fanning cuts through all the hipster b.s. and draws us into the picture.
Thomas Jane (Dreamcatcher) stars as Frank Castle, an FBI agent finally able to spend some quality time with his wife (Samantha Mathis) and son. But his happiness is short-lived, as high-class criminal Howard Saint (John Travolta), who holds Castle responsible for his own sons death, orders the execution of Castle and his brood. This is tolerable junk if viewed in the right frame of mind, if one is willing to overlook the poor dialogue, Travoltas colorless villain, and the ludicrously overplayed death scenes.
13 GOING ON 30***
This buoyant comedy just might prove to be the launching pad for Jennifer Garners higher ambitions. Starting off in 1987, the high-concept premise centers around 13-year-old Jenna Rink, an awkward girl whose only desire is to be thirty, flirty and thriving. She magically gets her wish granted, waking up in 2004 at the age of 30 and not remembering anything that has transpired over the course of the last 17 years. For emotional support, she tracks down her best friend from childhood, now a freelance photographer (Mark Ruffalo), but as she begins to piece together her teenage and adult years, she realizes she doesnt like the person shes become.
THE ALAMO *1/2
John Waynes 1960 take on the historic battle of 1836, the one detailing the valiant if futile efforts of 200 Texans to defend their fort against thousands of Mexican soldiers, was fairly useless as history and barely involving as entertainment, but it at least had the benefit of a sterling cast (Wayne, Richard Widmark, Laurence Harvey) and a marvelous Dimitri Tiomkin score. This new version cant even match those modest achievements. Even with his charisma largely kept in check by director John Lee Hancock (The Rookie), Billy Bob Thornton still fares best as Davy Crockett, the frontiersman-cum-politician trying to maintain the proper balance between Crockett the man and Crockett the legend.
CONNIE AND CARLA **1/2
Although it cribs shamelessly from both Victor/Victoria and Some Like It Hot, this new comedy at least finds Nia Vardalos breaking away from her bread-and-butter on the heels of Wedding and the short-lived TV series My Big Fat Greek Life, I was dreading My Big Fat Greek Divorce, My Big Fat Greek Funeral, etc. Instead, this finds Vardalos working opposite Toni Collette (The Sixth Sense), with the pair cast as struggling airport lounge singers who take it on the lam after they witness a murder. Hoofing it to LA, they hide out by pretending to be drag performers at a local bar girls pretending to be guys pretending to be girls. The crime escapades wouldnt even have been approved for an episode of Hawaii Five-O, but Vardalos has great affection for all her characters, and the on-stage routines of Connie and Carla are fun to watch.
I had high hopes for this adaptation of the popular Dark Horse Comics series. This movie isnt original enough, exciting enough, or humorous enough to sustain interest, let alone spawn the expected sequel or two. Ron Perlman is aptly cast as Hellboy, but his awful wisecracks become harder to endure as the picture progresses.
ELLA ENCHANTED **1/2
Freely adapted from the book by Gail Carson Levine but completely owing its body and soul to Shrek, this is yet another fractured fairy tale designed for kids living in a postmodern age. Anne Hathaway, the wide-eyed star of The Princess Diaries, plays Ella, a young woman who, thanks to a spell placed on her by an inept fairy godmother (Vivica A. Fox), is forced to obey every command directly aimed at her. Tired of being a human puppet, she sets out to locate the fairy to reverse the spell; the resultant journey lands her a handsome young prince (Hugh Dancy) as a suitor, but it also places her in the middle of a murderous scheme hatched by the princes deceitful uncle (Cary Elwes). Plot points are brought up and abandoned, and characters appear for no reason other than the story requires their presence at that moment but the movies still entertaining, thanks to its able cast as well as its own infectious commitment to Happily Ever After principles.