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Change Oregonians Believe In: The voters of Sodaville (pop. 290) elected Thomas Brady Harrington, 33, mayor in November, notwithstanding his criminal rap sheet showing robbery, eluding a police officer, felon in possession of a gun and other crimes (with his electoral success perhaps due to voters’ confusing him with his father, a respected town elder). And the voters of Silverton (pop. 7,400) elected as mayor Stu Rasmussen, 60, an openly transgendered, longtime resident who previously served as mayor while a man but who now sports breasts and dresses exclusively as a woman (especially miniskirts and cleavage-enhancing tops). Actually, Rasmussen still describes himself as a man and lives with his longtime girlfriend, but explained his switch as just his particular “mid-life crisis.”

Compelling Explanations

• “I’m really sorry. ... I thought he was just tired,” said Lynne Stewart, who was arrested in West Melbourne, Fla., in October and charged with stealing items from a 56-year-old, unconscious man who in fact had just suffered a fatal heart attack during sex with Stewart. She blamed her larceny on a cocaine binge that impaired her judgment such that (according to a police commander) she had sex with 20 men that weekend. (However, she was not charged with prostitution. Said the commander, “No, she just likes sex.”)

• Lame: (1) A woman being interviewed for jury duty on a murder case in Bronx (N.Y.) Supreme Court in October asked to be excused for the reason that she was once murdered, herself, by her husband (but had somehow been revived by a doctor). (She was dismissed from the jury, but on other grounds.) (2) In a recent report of DUI excuses in the Swedish newspaper Nerikes Allehanda, a 56-year-old woman had asserted that, though she’d been drinking, her driving was not affected because she had remembered to keep one eye closed so as not to see double.

Ironies

• Hummer H2 driver Yvonne Sinclair, 29, was convicted of gross vehicular manslaughter in November in Rancho Cucamonga, Calif., from a 2006 crash that killed two people and in which her intoxication was a major factor. Sinclair had bought the Hummer from proceeds of a lawsuit settlement over the 2003 death of her boyfriend, who was killed by a drunk driver.

• Strange Justice: (1) The Saudi delegation to the United Nations sponsored a conference on religious tolerance in November. (Not only does the kingdom employ a police force “on the prevention of vice and the promotion of virtue,” but is accused of internal discrimination against disfavored Islamic sects.) (2) Janice Warder, a former Texas judge and now the incoming district attorney for Texas’ Cooke County, was accused in March by a Dallas judge of having improperly withheld evidence in a 1986 case to secure a murder conviction. (The Dallas judge ordered a new trial.)

• Patricia Howard filed a lawsuit against her USA Environmental employer in 2006 (recently unsealed by a judge) for subjecting her to dangerous work in 2003-2005. The workplace was in Iraq and involved detonating surplus munitions to prevent their falling into insurgents’ hands, but that was not the “danger” she feared. Rather, the munitions were in abandoned football-field-sized warehouses that were home to pigeons. Foot-high piles of feces had dried and turned to powder, and Howard charged the company’s respiration protection was useless, subjecting workers to Hantavirus and other diseases.

Chutzpah!

• Veteran Massachusetts thief Robert Aldrich applied for compensation because his latest arrest happened to have been illegal, and a state law permits recovery for lost income during wrongful incarceration. However, in November, a Suffolk County judge turned him down as she was unable to find any “income” that Aldrich might have earned during his six wrongful months in jail except from more burglaries or for home-improvement money that Aldrich admitted he earned “off the books” so as to evade taxes.

-- “I would like an apology,” explained Michael Wax, who was ejected in July from the Borgata Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City because of customers’ complaints about his body odor. “There’s no question I stink. ... I do have an odor. I’ve been playing for 17 hours,” said the 440-pound man. Nonetheless, Wax filed a complaint with the Casino Control Commission, claiming that he should not have been so rudely treated in front of other patrons.

Creme de la Weird

Ms. Hang Mioku, 48, is winding down her 20-year obsession with cosmetic surgery, having been at one time bulked up with enough silicone in her face to earn the nickname “the standing fan” because her head was so large compared to her legs. Hang moved from South Korea to Japan for better access to surgery and said she had convinced herself that each procedure in her odyssey only made her more beautiful than the last. When finally no surgeon would treat her, she began injecting cooking oil. Finally, she was talked into face-reduction surgery (removal of 260 grams of foreign substance from her head and neck) but, according to a November report in London’s Daily Telegraph, she remains grotesquely misshapen.

Oops!

One of the items in a November seized-contraband auction by the Denver Police was a 1977 Oldsmobile Cutlass that was bought for $350 by a 19-year-old woman, but which is still evidence in a murder investigation. Police eventually took back the car, which has bullet holes and a bloody interior and contained blood-stained clothing. Furthermore, a second shooting victim who was in the car survived and was among the bidders at the auction. He dropped out, but did later sell the winning bidder his spare key for $40.

Update

The quasi-religious “philosophical” group Summum has been on News of the Weird’s radar since 1988, when leader “Corky” Ra and his small band in Utah began offering to mummify household pets for $7,000, or create statues of them for $18,000 (though the price is considerably higher today), with an eye toward future mummification of humans, as illustrative of its core precept that “the soul moves forward” even though the body is memorialized. In November, the U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments that a city park in Pleasant Grove, Utah, must allow Summum to place a monument with “The Seven Aphorisms” next to the existing monument of the Ten Commandments. (Summum’s Aphorisms shore up the soul-movement belief by recognizing, for example, such properties as psychokinesis and the constant vibration of bodies.) The court is expected to rule later this term. cs

By chuck shepherdUNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE

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