The skewering social commentary. The gleeful swearing. The honest-to-gawd actual news, spread faster than most media sources can keep up.
It’s no wonder the local phenomenon known only as The Stone Stairs of Death has been voted Best Facebook Page for the third year in a row.
But now y’all have gone and crowned him Best Savannahian? AWESOME.
“I’m really honored, thank you all,” offers this disembodied voice represented only by a treacherous, practically vertical pathway connecting Factor’s Walk to River Street.
SSOD is an actual person, of course, but revealing his true identity would result in total online character assassination and possible lifetime banishment from Best New Bar The Original, where Stone Stairs might be found downing a can of PBR at three o’clock in the afternoon.
“It’s nuts, because the Facebook page literally started out as a joke between me and five buddies,” he muses on his rise to local fame with over 14,000 loyal followers.
“I can’t believe how many people feel the way I do about certain things.”
Though he has moved away from the actual stairs that gave him his first inspired material, SSOD continues to rail on his favorite topics, which include, in no particular order, drunk tourists, moronic bar owners, lying pedophiles, hotel magnates sticking taxpayers with the bill for their hotel parking garages, a certain Wilmington Island restaurateur, and of course, the man everyone loves to hate, Alderman Tony Thomas.
The SSOD comments section is also salty af, but anyone ranting racist or homophobic will be quickly blocked.
“I will not tolerate that shit whatsoever,” promises its sole admin.
His well-guarded anonymity allows him to hold back nothing, though SSOD admits that he has voluntarily dialed back his colorful usage of the terms “douchetard,” “tournatard,” and “vagitard” since several readers pointed out that it is discourteous to the disabled community.
“I never meant to be derogatory in that way. If there’s a term that’s offensive to a particular group of innocent people, I have no problem expunging it from my vocabulary,” says the cynic with a heart of gold.
“But, you know, everyone else can go fuck themselves.”
He is working on a book about his adventures and observations, and he’s toying with the idea of joining the local political fray. Yes, really!
Stone Stairs of Death reportedly received one percent of the mayoral votes through write-in ballots—what could happen if he actually campaigned?
While that would mean giving up the persona, SSOD loves Savannah enough to get serious.
“I’d consider it,” he says. “Let’s see what happens this term.”—Jessica Leigh Lebos
Runner-up, Savannahian: Tom Kohler