Thanksgiving is a time for gratitude, but can often come with a side of stress. Whether it’s trying to decide what family members to spend the holiday with, or that one uncle who moonlights as a political commentator and specializes in uncomfortable conversations, this kickoff to the holiday season can incur heightened emotions or my personal favorite, a spiral of anxiety.
To help embrace the holiday with an open mind, we enlisted the help of Brendan Dochney, a licensed professional counselor and owner of Dochney Counseling in Savannah. His advice will help you navigate some of the season’s most uncomfortable situations.
The family who are shocked to learn that your spouse also has a family
Gearing up for an uncomfortable conversation with your mom about how you are spending Thanksgiving with you in-laws this year? According to Dochney, the key is to be direct.
“We go to great lengths to avoid a conflict. The conflict is inevitable and you just have to be very direct and not personalize their reaction. You can’t personalize their feelings. They are in charge of their feelings and you are only in charge of yours. You can’t take responsibility for their feelings. Avoiding leads to worst conflict, so address it head-on.”
So, you decided to stay home [insert your mom frantically sobbing]
Whether you don’t want to travel, don’t have the money or quite frankly, don’t want the drama, this conversation is likely to go as well as that time you told your dad that you were switching your major from pre-med to fine arts.
“If you are already in a place where you are deciding not to go see somebody, you are already setting up good boundaries for yourself. The term self-care in our culture is a bit misappropriated. We visualize a bathtub and a glass of wine, which can be nice, but true self-care is about setting boundaries to protect yourself. You are worth it enough to set your own boundaries for yourself and advocating for yourself. It’s like the reverse golden rule: do to yourself that you would do for others.”
The uncle with a tinfoil hat and an addiction to the comment section of any political story
We all have at least one family member who thinks the dining table is an episode of The View. Where there’s a president, there’s an opinion and if you don’t want to hear it, Dochney says there are a couple of things you can do.
“I have this conversation with so many clients. Right now, the political climate is so polarizing. It feels harder than ever to find a middle ground with someone. Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself from the table or change the subject. But if that person is not biting, it is important to know that I have never seen anyone’s mind change at a table. You have to take in the situation as knowing you are not going to change their mind. Instead of addressing the comments, you can address what they are doing. The concept is if somebody brings up politics, instead of biting and bringing up your side, just say something like, ‘what are you doing? Are you trying to get everyone all worked up?’ This may help shift the conversation.”
The family who doesn’t approve of your partner or your life choices
For whatever reason, your family doesn’t like your partner and further, they have a lot of opinions about how you choose to live your life. Whether it’s a University of Florida alum walking into a house full of diehard Bulldog fans, or something more serious related to race or sexual preference, according to Dochney, you have to remember that you are grown and answer only to yourself.
“I deal with this quite often with my clients. First and foremost, I let the clients know that there is not a wrong way to handle this. You can bring your partner and proudly display who you are, or if you are not ready, then don’t feel pressured that you have to do what your peers or culture tell you have to do. When we return home, whatever that is, we all revert back to our younger selves. We turn back into the little kid that wants siblings’ appreciation and recognition, or our parent’s approval. You have to remember that you are a different person now and your family does not have to have that power over you. You are not a 12-year-old that needs their acceptance anymore and you can build your own community around yourself and make the family you choose.”
The sister who leant you her earrings and you lost them 20 years ago and she hasn’t forgotten
Every family has that one “situation” that happened a long time ago, but still stirs anger when it rears its head just as you are about to take your first bite of turkey. No matter what your “situation” is, Dochney says you can handle them all in just about the same way.
“You don’t have to participate. That’s so much easier said than done, but every time you engage because they are triggering you, you are in essence giving them power over you. If you don’t want them to interrupt your peace or live rent free in your head, then you have to not engage. The more you engage, the more you are giving them. My goal in therapy is to help my clients feel empowered. If they do penetrate and hit that trigger, it’s not so much how we respond to them, but how we respond internally to ourselves. We are human, you are not perfect, so don’t beat yourself up if you feel like they got to you. You have a natural tendency to want to defend yourself and instead of feeling guilty and regretting your reaction, lean into it, but don’t beat yourself up. Don’t punish yourself and just move on.”
You decided to host dinner and you instantly regret that decision
Whether you are the seasoned host or an amateur, it’s going to be a super stressful day. To avoid crying in the bathroom, Dochney says there are a few techniques and frames of mind you can utilize.
“Try to go in without expectations. You are going to get travel delays, experience complications, and something is going to get burned. If you are expecting everything to go perfect, you are already setting yourself up to be let down. Box breathing, belly breathing and stepping away to take a break are all helpful things to consider. You can also use the curiosity principal, which is something like instead of wondering what will go wrong, you reframe it into what will happen today. If you can enter a situation with trying to be as curious as possible, it can really lower that anxiety. I also find grounding to be extremely helpful. Just to engage your five senses and bring yourself to the here and now. Deep breaths are also really helpful. Visualize you are drinking a cup of hot chocolate and you are breathing in that smell through your nose and then blowing on the drink to cool it down.”
Dochney Counseling is located at 109 W. Bolton St. in Savannah. For more information, visit dochneycounseling.com, email info@dochneycounseling.com or call 912-373-6165.
This article appears in Connect Savannah | October, 2023.
