DIRTY GRANDPA

*

DIRECTED BY Dan Mazer

STARS Robert De Niro, Zac Efron

Whether heโ€™s the one delivering the line or itโ€™s being spoken by a co-star, itโ€™s not unusual to find classic snatches of dialogue in a movie featuring Robert De Niro. โ€œYou talkinโ€™ to me?โ€ โ€œI know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart.โ€ โ€œBetter to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime.โ€

And, of course, โ€œAK-47. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes.โ€

De Niro appears to have hit a home run with Dirty Grandpa, as the film features at least a dozen lines destined to be remembered fondly during one of those AFI tributes at some point in the near-future.

Among the nominees: โ€œI want you to tsunami all over my face.โ€ โ€œMaybe you can use your golf club to hit your balls into my vagina.โ€ And, lest we forget, โ€œIโ€™d rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth from a fucking hot-air balloon.โ€

But letโ€™s put aside the jokes for a minute โ€“ after all, the film certainly does, mixing dead-on-arrival gags with the usual late-inning faux-sincerity that seems even more miscalculated and out-of-place in a film as desperate as this one.

The plot can be discarded with one sentence: After the death of his wife, the elderly Dick (De Niro) talks his straight-laced grandson Jason (Zac Efron) into driving him to Daytona Beach during Spring Break so he can get laid.

This simple plot fuels 97 minutes of watching De Niro once again mug shamelessly, Efron once again display all the comic instincts of a dead hornet, and filmmakers once again assume that profanity and scatology are worthy replacements for wit and timing.

To be sure, thereโ€™s often nothing quite as liberating as a raunchy, foul-mouthed comedy, but the R-rated moments have to be woven into the storyline, not just sprayed onto the screen like a wayward money shot in a porn flick.

Speaking of which, one of the first views we get of De Niroโ€™s character is as he sits masturbating in front of the TV set, complete with tissues on hand.

When the Academy elects to honor him with one of those honorary Oscars for lifetime achievement, Iโ€™m sure this clip will be nestled between those from Raging Bull and The Deer Hunter. Or maybe it will be a clip from the sequence where heโ€™s sleeping naked and we get a close-up of his (prosthetic) penis as it rests on the pillow next to Efronโ€™s head. Or maybe it will be the part where he uses the n word (twice!) after heโ€™s given permission to say it out loud by black street toughs who have inexplicably grown fond of his cracker ass.

There are the usual moments of gay panic and casual sexism generally found in this sort of nonsense โ€” incidentally, the 72-year-old De Niroโ€™s lover in this film is played by 31-year-old Aubrey Plaza, because why not? โ€” but itโ€™s the line involving Queen Latifah (mentioned at the top of the review) thatโ€™s queasy after reading between the lines.

Why would such a nasty image be conjured at the expense of Queen Latifah, hardly a figure worthy of malicious intent? Could it be because sheโ€™s black and overweight? Hilarious!

Personally, I would have made someone worthy of such contempt โ€“ say, Donald Trump or Sarah Palin โ€“ the target, but theyโ€™re white and not overly large so I guess scripter John Phillips didnโ€™t feel that was funny enough.

Admittedly, I did smile a couple of times over the course of the film. I donโ€™t remember the scenes โ€“ apparently, they werenโ€™t that memorable โ€“ but I do remember smiling. Iโ€™m fairly certain it wasnโ€™t during any of the sequences featuring the astonishingly irksome Jason Mantzoukas as an amiable drug dealer named Pam.

Iโ€™m likewise pretty sure it wasnโ€™t during the scene in which a dad thinks a naked Efron is sexually molesting his 4-year-old son.

And Iโ€™m certain it wasnโ€™t during the countless times that De Niro sticks his finger up Efronโ€™s ass. Then again, that last-named is the only way a movie as awful as Dirty Grandpa will receive a thumbs up.